Despite the numerous rantings on my blog, I do tend to generally accept how others choose to live their lives. My opinions here are more abstract and generic rather than aimed at any person in particular, and I gave up trying to save the world one-person-at-a-time ages ago. However rather than this being a sign of my tremendous level of tolerance and understanding, the truth is I just stopped caring. If people wanted to burn then who was I to stop them? Why should I bother inciting change in others; and more to the point what gave me the right to anyway? I'd probably just make things worse.
Of course I will take action if their behaviour affects me directly, in which case family and close friends will feel the brunt of my well-intended self-righteousness. But even then I'll only say it once or twice before giving up and will instead change myself or our relationship so that they don't affect me on this particular issue any more. It's just easier that way.
So what's the marriage angle? Well rishta are no different, and so I'm quite easily able to dismiss someone if I see us having critically different ways of thinking. It's a less holistic and more brutal approach really, since it doesn't really look at the potential of a person or their willingness to change (be that driven by myself or my opposite), with this stance assuming that no changes are needed on my side either. But generally I find it much easier to simply let them get on with their lives than to even consider taking on the quite difficult job of tolerating them, essentially choosing to move on to find someone who I feel won't need fixing instead. And like with my friends above, I'm convinced that they're better off for it too.
The all kind of breaks down when people (mostly women) tell me how their sisters are actually highly adaptable and willing to change, even if they don't actually appear so at first (or second, or third) glance. Add to this that most are confused (again, these are my lady friends talking about their own here), and it seems that avoiding the change process is actually quite the silly thing for me to do.
I guess ultimately it comes down to finding someone you care about enough that you're willing to put in this effort with in order to change each other, and that as a unit; you know, that whole "marriage is hard work" jazz newlyweds talk about. For me though, it seems I'll only ever find those attractive who come ready made, those who won't require this initial and ongoing mutual effort.
Maybe I'm just lazy, but I do honestly hope that with the right person it should all just be easy and obvious.
Monday, September 6
Live and Let Live
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It is all easy but it's not always very obvious.
ReplyDeleteSome of the differences may come from the fact that men and women sometimes have innate differences - The whole 'men come from mars, and women from venus' concept.
So I think the reason people say marriage is hard work (even if the couple have similar values and expectations and find it extremely easy to get along) is because that it takes some getting used to live with a new person. They may have different eating, sleeping, cleaning, etc. preferences than their spouse.
The cleaning preferences are probably the hardest to get used to.
ReplyDeleteShak I think ur right to 'brutally dismiss' if thinking doesn't match...but I do also feel that even with the same values n principles etc there will be elements of compromise which is what some find difficult to do.
ReplyDeleteYou get used to day-to-day habits but if marriage is to work both parties need to put in the effort to make it work-and sometimes that's easy and sometimes it's difficult.
The thing is that your actions will now actually have a direct impact on your spouses life and vice-versa. So the care-free independent life that you live beforehand changes afterwards.
Naturally it takes time to grow n change and become one unit rather than two individuals and that's what is probably difficult...!
Going back to the first point of brutally dismissing- it's not a bad idea because if the basic principles you have don't match then that will just add more stress as ultimately it's not easy to change each other to fit what you may think is 'right' but instead you adapt yourself to the situation and it's far easier to change yourself but not at your own expense. You are both individuals and that should be celebrated but many times rather than both partners making compromises one makes most changes and the other doesn't which again leads to unnecessary stress in a relationship.
It's not 'easy' as such but it is easier if you find the 'one' as you'll be more willing to adapt and compromise.
Good luck in your search!
Zany/Humaira,
ReplyDeleteWow you guys must know some dirty people.